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Where's the Ship?

By Jean Graham
Page 1 of 1

(A skit originally performed at the ORAC convention in San Francisco, CA, 1987.)  

MC: Via special Liberator time warp, Blake and Avon are with us today, and have been touring 20th century San Francisco. Now they may look a little different to you; that's because they stopped off at Gamma Hydra IV on the way to Earth. You remember Gamma Hydra IV, right? It was that little garden planet where Kirk and company first started to notice a few grey hairs...

[Blake and Avon enter--both bent, grey and very old. Blake is turning feeble circles, searching the entire stage for something.)

Blake: [After searching all over] Avon?

Avon: [Starting] What??

Blake: Where's the ship?

Avon: Whatta y'mean, where's the ship?

Blake: [Still looking all around him] I could've sworn we left it parked... right... here!

Avon: No, you mindwiped imbeth... imbi... moron. We left it in parking orbit, and It's right, up... [points a shaky finger upward, frowns, points to another space] ...right... [another frown as he shuffles around, searching the 'sky,' then to Blake in a high voice:] Where's the ship???

Blake: [Piqued) I asked you first! You're supposed to know these things. You're the genius.

Avon: [Starts a snappy comeback, forgets what it was.] I am?

Blake: Yes!

Avon: Oh...

Blake [Thought of something] Ah! Wait a minute. It's here someplace. [Digs through pockets and pouches until he produces a teleport bracelet.) I have it right here. {Theatrically pushes button] Avon!

Avon: [jumping, startled again) WHAT?

Blake: [Sheepishly] Oh. That's right. You're here. Jenna! Jenna, where's the ship? Jenna?

Avon: [Taps Blake's arm persistently] Jenna;s gone shopping, remember? Frederick's of Holly something er other.

Blake: Oh. Gan! Come in, come in, hello Gan!

Avon: Gan went to Radio Shack. [Taps his head] Needed new batteries for that... whatsit... of his.

Blake: [To the bracelet] Cally! Hullo, Cally. We'd like to come up, now.

Avon: Cally's next door at the Sheraton. New Age convention.

Blake: [Getting desperate] Vila! Vila where are you? Vila, where's my ship???

Avon: Vila's giving escape lessons out on that... whattayoucallit... The Rock.

Blake: [Thinks hard, then:] Zen! Zen, you overgrown stop sign, where's the ship? Where's my ship??? ZEN!

Avon: [A doddering Clara Peller imitation) I don't think there's anybody up there!

Blake: What? Of course Zen Is up there! He has to be up there. When we left he was chattering away talking to that other ship... [gesturesl...that spacegoing oil drum with the basketball attached to it.

Avon: You mean the one that spoke whale?

Blake: Whale? That ship was full of whales? [Considers] Oh help. My ship has been whale-napped. Call the police! Call the FBI!

Avon: [Calming] I think I may know where to look.

Blake: [Near sobs) I want my ship!

Avon: We'll go back and look at that... Golden thingamajig.

Blake: Golden... [straining to remember] Golden... golden arches!

Avon: No, no. Golden... [snaps fingers] Golden Gate!

Blake: [A squeak] My DSV is parked on a bridge????

Avon: Parked... parked. Park! That's it! Golden Gate Park. I saw a couple of whales over there, hitching a ride on an invisible Klingon cattlebruiser... er... battlecruiser.

Blake: You saw... [fuddled) ... Wait a minute!

Avon: [Pulling Blake's arm] Come on. We'll go ask them.

Blake: (Still fuddled) Whales? Invisible Glin-kon cattle whatsits. Where's my ship? I want my ship! [As Avon drags him off, he cries into the bracelet] Jenna! Gan! Cally! Vila! Zennnnnnnn! [This from offstage:] Where's the ship???????????????????????????????????????????

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