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Mary Sue meets the Ultras

By Judith Proctor
Page 1 of 1

Mary Sue brushed the biscuit crumbs off her latest manuscript and opened a packet of twiglets. "Horizon are producing a new zine called 'Ultra'," she announced to the world at large.

      The world at large, which happened to consist of Sue Ellen on that particular afternoon, wriggled its collective toes in front of the electric fire and announced, "So what?"

      "Adult," she said succinctly.


      "So, who do we put through the wringer this time?"

      "Tarrant," said a voice from the kitchen, where Ellen Mae was making the coffee.

      "Tarrant!" came two simultaneous two howls of protest from the lounge.



      Tarrant glanced at Dayna sitting on the bed beside him. The Ultras appeared to be after a demonstration of human sex. Maybe, just for once, the scriptwriters were going to look after him... Otherwise, it was going to be a long wait until the forth season and Servalan.

      "No. We won't do it," Dayna announced.

      Oh, well, so much for that idea.



      "Tarrant," Ellen Mae said firmly. "The zine is called 'Ultra', so that's where we start.

      "Wouldn't it be more fun to have the Ultra work with Avon and Cally?"

      "No," said Ellen Mae, and forced the issue by grabbing the keyboard and starting to type.



      A tall elegent, blue-skinned Ultra entered the room and bent to whisper in Dayna's ear. "According to our computers, your only previous romantic experience was with a man called Justin."

      "So?" Dayna queried cautiously.

      "Well, it's no wonder you aren't interested in sex. Our computer states most categorically, that Justin was a complete and utter drip, Now, have you considered the advantages of a liason with a tall, handsome, blue-eyed hero type?"

      The Ultra withdrew discreetly to let her think it over. Dayna rolled over on her side to consider the point. When compared to Justin, she had to admit that there was a distinct appeal in curly hair and shining teeth. The teeth in question flashed brightly at her, nearly causing the Ultra's monitor screen to overload.

      "Tarrant," she said thoughtfully, "what's an orgasm?"


      Mary Sue watched the unfolding story with increasing irritation, then smiled and reached ito her shoulder bag and casually withdrew a small laptop computer. Two could play at this game.


      One of the Ultras turned to another and said thoughtfully, "One pair is not enough for a statistical sample of human behaviour. Besides, the Auron bonding ceremony may differ in significant details."

      "You are correct," intoned the second. "We have been remiss in our actions. Restore the Auron and the remaining human and give them the option of participating in our experiment before we terminate their existence."


      That was much better. Mary Sue was getting into her stride now. She finished off the twiglets and started on a packet of crisps as she happily rescued Avon and Cally from certain death to deliver them unto a fate that was supposedly worse than death.


      "Will I demonstrate the human bonding ceremony?" Cally asked in surprise. "You bet I will! I've been waiting three seasons for this."

      Avon looked at her cautiously as he divested himself of an inordinate number of layers of black leather. "I trust that the bit about Aurons eating their partners after mating is a myth?"

      "Avon, how could you doubt me? There is a saying among my people, 'A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only digested.'"

      She proceeded to remove a remarkably small amount of clothing and began to initiate Avon into the delights of alien sexual relations.


      Sue Ellen looked a little worried as she peered over her friends' shoulders to read increasingly explicit and exotic descriptions of sex. "I can't help feeling," she murmured, "that there's something we've forgotten."


      "All right," Vila demanded, as Orac and Zen helpfully relayed him the Ultras' viewscreens, and all the wonderfully erotic scenarios being played out upon them, "what idiot was responsible for designing a series with three men and only two women!"

      Unfortunately, there was no answer, Zen having just burned out a complete bank of circuits after a particularly thirilling binary interchange with Orac.

      Vila was left alone to indulge his own fantasies.

      "There were three women, reclining in a lounge, all dreaming of sex, and just waiting for a handsome rebel to come their way..."

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Judith Proctor

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