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Love and Remorse

By Catherine
Page 1 of 1

Angry words echoed in Avon's ears...

Blake's words: "That is the one responsibility I will not take."

The comp tech had a faraway look in his eyes. Tynus, we were well-matched,

you and I. Both willing to ignore such heroism. Memories of their time together, back on Earth, flooded his mind. Here, in the solitude of his cabin, Avon was free to indulge his anguish. He remembered two laughing boys, one dark, one light, but both carefree and headstrong. It was painful now, to remember those times. Even worse, was the half-remembered sensation of Tynus's lips on his. They had loved. At least, he thought they had. And now Tynus was dead.

By my hands. The same hands that caressed you when we were boys. Why did you force me to do it, Tynus? You left me no choice!

Avon fought back his tears, unwilling to let them fall. Even in his own cabin, he felt too exposed. Flinging himself face down on his bed, he buried his face in his pillow.

"Come to me in my dreams, and then

By day I shall be well again!

For so the night will more than pay

The hopeless longing of the day."

"Never again, my love, can I console myself with dreams. Nightmares are the killer's companions," Avon murmured. "Like all the others, my parents, Anna, you too had to die." Avon rolled over, staring bleakly at the ceiling.

A knock sounded at the door.

"Go away."

"Avon, please let me in."

The comp tech's heart began to pound. "No, not you," Avon whispered.

"Avon, I'm not leaving."

Avon glanced sourly at the door having heard that determination in Blake's voice before. Releasing the door lock, he called out. "All right, Blake."

The door slid open to reveal a concerned looking rebel.

"Avon, what's wrong?"

Avon clenched his jaw and sat up, facing away from the other man. The last thing he intended to do was to discuss his personal demons with Blake.

"I want to help."

Blake's voice was softly compassionate and Avon turned to look at him. Tall and broad-shouldered, still he exuded an air of naivete, mixed with concerned affection for his reluctant follower. Shaking his head, the comp tech wondered how Blake maintained his innocence in the face of the destruction and devastation of their universe. Hardening his heart, he turned away from the offered comfort. He would not be beguiled again.

"You can skip the messiah routine, Blake. It does not work with me. I don't need it or you.'

Glancing at the rebel, interested in his reaction, he was surprised by the mixture of sorrow and anger flooding Blake's face. The rebel stared back, holding Avon's gaze. Stepping closer, Blake reached out, touching fingertips to the smaller man's cheek.

"I will do whatever you wish, Avon. I do want to help you."

Avon's eyes were wide now and very black, his lips parted in surprise. Fear too, colored his expression. Fear of Blake, of his memories of Tynus, of his own needs. For he did need Blake. He always had but was so afraid of losing control. It would be so easy with this man. Unbidden, the words of an old Earth poem came to mind and Avon voiced them softly.

"Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth

Come now, and let me dream it truth:

And part my hair, and kiss my brow,

And say: My love! Why sufferest thou?

And Avon felt Blake brush back his bangs, press his lips to his forehead. Then the rebel leader withdrew to stare into his eyes.

Avon shivered, shamed by the intensity of emotion in Blake's gaze.

"You loved him."

It was not a question. Avon bit his lip.

"Yes. A long time ago."

Blake took his hand, gripping it tightly in his all-encompassing paw.

"I'm sorry."

At that, Avon smiled slightly.

"So was he."

Blake's eyes narrowed in consideration. What did Avon want? He must realize that the rebel loved him. Mustn't he?

"I will never leave you. Unless you ask me to go."

The full power of Avon's stare fell on Blake then, causing the rebel to shift uncomfortably...until he realized that the other man was still holding his hand.

"You care that much?"

Avon's voice was small and the rebel's heart swelled in response, his voice husky.

"That much and more."

Blake's gaze was molten tenderness as he lowered his mouth. Gently at first, he brushed the smaller man's lips, amazed at the softness behind the chiseled outline. Initially, Avon was still. His response was slight and Blake pulled back, not wanting to push the comp tech when he was vulnerable.

Lips abandoned, Avon reached out. Eyes open, he sank his hands in the other man's curls, watching them tangle possessively around his fingers. Pulling the rebel's head down, he took possession of his mouth in a kiss that started sweet. It escalated into searing passion and a quick bite of Blake's bottom lip.

Blake moaned, opening his eyes to see a disheveled comp tech trying to look dispassionate and failing. The haunted desperation in Avon's eyes tore at Blake's much vaunted heart. The desire to forget was alien to the rebel; he had lost too much of his past already. But Avon's memories seemed always to bring him pain. Unnoticed by the rebel, a tear was rolling slowly down his cheek.

Avon stared. Blake was crying, not in pity but in sympathy. Avon reached up, taking the tear on his fingertip. Blake gasped at the gesture, amazed as Avon sucked the teardrop off his finger.

Their eyes met and they both smiled.

"Ah, Avon."

Blake took Avon by the shoulders, enfolding him in his arms. Avon responded by burying his face in the other man's face. Pressing his lips against Blake's warm skin, he felt the rebel's pulse beating hard and fast.

Excited, aren't we? Avon mused.

He felt his face enclosed in the rebel's gentle hands. Tilting his head, their lips met, softly at first, then with increasing ardor. When they finally broke apart, both were gasping for breath. Avon pushed Blake over. Raising himself above him, he pinned the larger man beneath him. This was what he wanted: to feel, to forget the past. Tynus was gone but Blake was here now and he was real.

And he needs me!

The comp tech's hands deftly undid Blake's shirt, his lips laying down a trail from throat to trousers before removing them. By this point, the big rebel's arousal was obvious, straining against too-tight briefs. With a smile Avon removed them, releasing Blake from his confinement. He craved the rebel's touch.

But before he could indulge his tactile urges, Blake sat up, wrestling the smaller man down. Yanking at Avon's leathers, Blake left the comp tech to remove his own shirt. Being exposed made Avon shiver and the touch of Blake's hand on his erection only made it worse.

"Blake, please." Avon panted, his body straining against that of the larger man. The rebel only smiled. Covering Avon's body with his own, he pressed his lips to the comp tech's chest. His tongue, brushing against a nipple, forced a groan from the smaller man. Pulling back, Blake gazed down, savoring the sensuality of his partner.

"You are so beautiful, Kerr."

Avon's eyes opened wide and a flush crept into his cheeks at his lover's devoted expression. He glanced away, frightened by his own response, by the fact that he loved this reckless rebel.

I'm afraid, Blake, afraid that I'll lose you, too.

Avon's thoughts were interrupted by a gentle hand that tilted his chin. Blake was gazing at him, love and desire plainly displayed.

"I love you, Kerr."

For a second, Avon felt driven to run. But Blake took him in his arms, stroking him soothingly. Avon relaxed into the pleasurable sensation, desire conquering his fears, desire and love.

"Blake, I want...," he paused, unable to say the words: Love me, Roj.

Blake just smiled, reaching down to Avon's arousal. The comp tech moaned at his touch. The grip intensified as Blake stroked firmly, his thumb caressing the soft tip. Turning around, Blake glanced back at Avon, then took his lover's aching penis into his mouth. Avon's head tossed recklessly as Blake sucked him. The sensation was incredible. He was on fire, engorged to the point of pain. Blindly, he reached out for Blake. Stroking the larger man's throbbing organ, he was rewarded by Blake's groans. The room filled with the crisp sounds of wet mouths on damp flesh as both men pushed towards orgasm. Avon felt Blake's penis stiffen just as he reached oblivion. Screaming his lover's name he came, dimly feeling Blake's orgasm fountain over his hands.

As reality returned, Avon became aware that his head was pillowed against Blake's chest. Exhausted, he placed a hand against the rebel's cheek. The burly rebel was asleep, chest rising and falling in a comforting rhythm. A faint smile graced Kerr Avon's lips as his fingers trailed down to Blake's bruised lips. A quick kiss and Avon settled down, laying his head above his lover's heart. The steady beat was a reassuring presence. Convinced the rebel was sleeping, Avon sighed. Pressing his lips to the smooth hairless chest, he whispered.

"I love you, Roj."

As Avon drifted off to sleep, the rebel's grip tightened. Faintly, Avon heard the words.

"I'm glad, Kerr. I love you so very much."

And so it was the both men slept peacefully. Avon was free from his memories, Blake having filled the empty place in his heart. Blake had new memories, Avon giving him what the Federation had taken away.


"Though lovers be lost
love shall not."

Dylan Thomas

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