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Vila Restals E-mails - Year 1

By Nicola Mody
Page 2 of 11



To:               Jandy Restal  
From:           Vila Restal  
Subject:       Saurian Major mission

Dear Mum,

We struck our first blow! Blake decided to blow up a Federation communications centre on Saurian Major. I went down with Avon and Blake to let them into the building. I asked why we couldn’t just teleport inside, and Blake said there might be force walls which would disrupt the beam (not a pleasant thought, in fact it made me feel quite queasy) and anyway we might end up in the guard room. Makes sense, but what about the air, eh? I mean, what happens to that? We don’t displace it ‘cos there’s no noise. Does it end up mixed up with my molecules? Avon said I was a fool with only a vestigial grasp of science when I asked, but just the same I’m going to start weighing myself regularly, I want to stay a nice trim 77 kg.

Anyway this planet was a nasty place full of flesh-eating plants with designs on my tender body, and we met an Auron guerrilla called Cally who was there on a suicide mission (slightly alarming, that). Yes Mum, Cally is a girl’s name, and no, no chance there either after all the insults Avon threw at me while we were introduced, and besides, you should have seen the look Cally gave him, an up-and-down “Mmm mmm, what have we got here?” look. Let’s face it, the only chance I’d have on this ship is if they got twice as many females as males. :-(

Blake was very impressed with how fast I got through the door – imagine, they were going to blow it up, no finesse. I was tempted to sign my name to my work (well, they’ll know it was me now so what the hell) but didn’t bother as we were going to blow up the whole place anyway. We barely got out in time ‘cos there was no-one on the teleport as the ship was overrun by thawed-out homicidal maniacs off an alien seed capsule we brought on board earlier. Against my better judgement I might add. They should listen to me next time.

Love, Vila



To:               Vila Restal  
From:           Jandy Restal  
Subject:       RE: Saurian Major mission

Dear Vila,

That Avon doesn’t sound very nice. He might be a higher grade than you, but you’ve always been brought up to have good manners, and that counts for a lot.

I do hope you’re looking after yourself properly and wrap up warm before you go down to strange planets, you know you’ve never been strong after all that conditioning they tried to do to you, dear (torture I’d call it). And considering you must have left Cygnus Alpha with only what you stood up in, I do worry about what you’re wearing, and whether you have fresh things on every day.

Congratulations on your little mission dear, I shall keep an eye out for you on the wanted lists.

Love, Mum



To:               Vila Restal  
From:           Detective Haskell
Subject:       Outlaw notice

Vila Restal,

Judging by your e-mail address, and the fact that the locks on the Saurian Major complex were picked rather than blown, it is assumed that you are on the rebel ship Liberator, and thus now no longer classed as an escaped prisoner, but as an outlaw. This means that:

Your citizenship of Earth has been revoked

You will be interrogated and executed on capture rather than imprisoned

Your picture will be posted Federation-wide with a bounty for your capture

Your library card has been cancelled

Detective Haskell



To:               Detective Haskell  
From:           Vila Restal  
Subject:       RE: Outlaw notice

Detective Haskell,

Hey, I am on the fastest and most powerful ship in the galaxy, and I’m in charge of the neutron blasters. Arrest me!

Vila Restal



To:               Jandy Restal  
From:           Vila Restal  
Subject:       Clothes

Dear Mum,

Avon’s all right, really. He insults me all the time, but it’s sort of a game: he keeps saying how stupid I am, but with words that a lot of people wouldn’t understand, so it’s a compliment really. I get him back anyway with stuff like saying he’d be a good pickpocket, and calling the devices he makes “Avon’s little gadgets”. We have a sort of points system, though I have to say he’s ahead.

To set your mind at rest, Mum, we have heaps of clothes on board this ship. We’re all having a lot of fun choosing different clothes to wear each day. I bet though that by fresh things, you mean underwear? Oh now look Mum, not that again – “Always wear clean underpants on a job”? I can just see it – Vila Restal, dangerous outlaw, is taken by the Feds and stripped for interrogation – the guards reel back with horror, their hands held to their eyes to hide the horrible sight – Vila Restal is wearing day-old boxers! Oh no!

Actually, Mum, the freshness of my underwear might be a moot point if they captured me.

Love, Vila



To:               Vila Restal  
From:           Kerr Avon  
Subject:       Security

Vila,

Just what do you think you’re doing, sending e-mails all over the galaxy about what we’re up to? Is staying alive a difficult concept for you to grasp? I thought Vila was short for villain, but it is obviously short for village idiot. Your encryption system is pathetic too, like everything else about you.

Avon



To:               Vila Restal  
From:           Jandy Restal  
Subject:       RE: Clothes

Vila,

There is never any excuse for crudeness. I only wanted to make sure you were keeping yourself nice.

Mum



To:               Kerr Avon  
From:           Vila Restal  
Subject:       RE: Security

Avon,

Firstly I think it’s very unfair of you to break into my private e-mails, considering I gave Blake my word not to pick the locks on anyone’s cabin doors. He said I wouldn’t like it if everyone else went through my things, and it’s a cogent argument. Bet you didn’t know I knew a word like cogent, did you Avon? I deserve some privacy too.

Secondly, if you look through my e-mails, I think you’ll see I never gave anything away, just stuff that already happened.

Vila



To:               Vila Restal  
From:           Kerr Avon  
Subject:       RE: Security

Vila,

E-mailing your mother may be marginally acceptable, but not the police department and amagon.com. That verges on lunacy, even for you. Can a thought actually cross your mind, Vila, or is the bridge permanently out? If those Amagon pirates ever board the Liberator, I shall know whom to blame.

Avon



To:               Jandy Restal  
From:           Vila Restal  
Subject:       RE: Clothes

Dear Mum,

Sorry I didn’t reply straight away but that bastard Avon broke my encryption system and I had to set up another one. I hope I didn’t say anything bad about him as he’s probably gone through all my messages. Maybe not though, as he passed me in the corridor before without saying anything other than “On your way to put your usual spanner in the works, Vila?” which is downright friendly.

Anyway, I wear fresh underwear every day. Does that put your mind at rest? There’s a lot of choice in what we call the wardrobe room, I’ve gone for silk boxers (very nice against the skin) in nice muted greys and browns. I don’t know what the others chose, but just for a laugh, here’s my guess:

Blake:   white cotton Y-fronts
Jenna:   black lace
Gan:     stretch briefs
Cally:    satin/polyester high-leglines
Avon:    he’s a hard one to figure out, but given a certain predilection for leather, I’d say he goes without.

Cheers, Vila



To:               Vila Restal  
From:           orders@amagon.com  
Subject:       Your order

Dear Vila Restal,

Thank you for your order of:

1 Book: Indian Cooking for Spacers
1 Book: Latest Federation security handbook
1 Book: Riddles, Puns, and Word-Games
1 Game: Chess set
1 Game: Pyramid
1 Game: Galactic Monopoly
6 decks of playing cards

Paid by GalacPay, held for pickup on planet Centero. We look forward to your next order.



To:               Vila Restal  
From:           Jandy Restal  
Subject:       Wanted

Darling Vila,

I am so proud! There are wanted posters everywhere for you and all the others, except for that alien girl Cally – I suppose she’s too new. There’s a million credits on your heads. A million! People stop to congratulate me in the street! I nicked one of the posters when no-one was looking and cut the top and bottom off, then had it framed in a nice faux-wood which brings out the brown in your lovely eyes. They used your arrest photo. You have that faintly surprised look you always seem to have when they nab you. They take a nice photo down at the station. You should smile a little next time, dear.

And enough about underpants! You’ve always been such a nice boy, don’t let those rebels you’re with turn you coarse.

Mum


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Nicola Mody

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