Question Time by Neil Faulkner

"Good evening. We are very privileged to have here with us tonight Roj Blake, Freedom Party spokesman, captain of the Liberator, legend in his own lifetime and recent victim of a tragic misunderstanding; Kerr Avon, celebrated embezzler, Blake's right-hand man on the Liberator, hero of the Intergalactic War, and figurehead to post-War dissident groups throughout the galaxy; Commissioner Sleer, formerly known as Servalan, Supreme Commander and later President of the Terran Federation; and Carnell, psychostrategist extraordinaire, adviser to Servalan and mastermind of the IMIPAK Gambit.

"And the first question is for you Roj Blake. The Hammers: the Hammers was the nickname of what British football team? Any idea....no? Anyone else? Oh dear. Well, it was in fact West Ham United.

"So now to the other side and Servalan, your starter for ten who was joint winner of the 1969 Eurovision Song Contest with 'Boom-Bang-a-Bang-Bang?' No? Anyone got any idea... Kerr Avon!"

"It was Lulu, sharing first place with France, Spain and Holland, and the song climbed as high as number 2 in the UK singles chart during a 13 week run in the spring of that year."

"Yes, Lulu it was, absolutely spot on there, Kerr! Yes, give him a round of applause. Now tell me, Kerr, if you don't mind me asking, how come you happen to know the answer to that one?"

"It's very simple actually. It's just been selected as the new planetary anthem for Gauda Prime."

"Well, that's a bit of luck, isn't it, Kerr. You now know you didn't go all that way for nothing. No hard feelings between you and Roj, I hope?"

"Oh no..."

"...none at all..."

"...quite unthinkable..."

"Jolly good, jolly good! But if we can get back to more serious business, I have a question here for you, Carnell. Ready, my pet? Here we go.

"Who stopped being a 'Neighbour' in order to be 'Home and Away'?"

"Yes, I knew you'd ask me this one. Craig MacLachlan."

"ABSO-lutely spot on! Well done, Carnell. Two points there, puts you well in the lead. And the final question in this round is for Kerr Avon. All set, my love? Here it is:

"Lord Lucan disappeared from his home without trace in 1974. Where was he eventually rediscovered, and what had he been doing in the meantime?"

"Oh, that's very easy. He was found to be "

"Sorry, Kerr, but we've got to interrupt you there because we've just found out that you're having all the answers relayed to you by Orac. So I'm afraid you're automatically disqualified. Isn't that a shame? But don't despair, nobody goes away empty-handed. You have won... A Red Dwarf talking pop-up toaster!! Give him a clap, ladies and gentlemen. Well played, bad luck, and send us a postcard from Cygnus Alpha.


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